Reality Check

Part 1:
I'm not really sure where to start. Today was not what I expected.

It didn't even occur to me that I might not be able to keep it together. I've seen all the images, watched the videos, considered myself relatively educated on the matter of what it means to be an orphan in most countries. My guard is already up as Zoe and I come closer together and we each let our guards down. It didn't even occur to me that, upon seeing the real thing, I wouldn't be able to keep it together.

We arrived at the first orphanage today around 10:30am. I don't remember its name and couldn't spell it even if I could remember it. We drove up with several other Gladney families and all convened in the driveway. It was the beginning of a day of visiting orphans in government orphanages. At first I was fine. Kids came up to me to hold my hand or touch me or hug me, and it was what I had expected. Sad, but what I expected.

We started walking through the orphanage and looking at all the buildings and sleeping quarters. Now the kids really started coming out of the woodwork. They were ages (probably) 5-14 or so, and there were SO MANY. They all gathered around us wanting to test their english or wanting to hold your hand. It must have been about now that I started to get rattled. There were SO MANY. And I knew that this was just one tiny orphanage among hundreds (or thousands?) in Ethiopia.

We walked into the first sleeping quarters and the reality of where we were and what it meant hit me. I started, well, sobbing isn't the word. Sobbing would have been it if I hadn't been surrounded by children who were proud to show me where they lived. I tried to stifle it back but every time someone spoke to me or touched me I started crying again. That first room really said it all. 25 children all sleeping in a tiny room the size of our bedroom.

I don't know why it was so sad. I don't know why I couldn't harden up and be stoic. This was a reality I had read about and prepared for. What was so different here?

We walked through all the rooms that were open to us. Most of them had at least 12 beds in them. We visited the baby room and I made contact with a few teeny tiny ones and got them smiling, and this cheered me a bit. Brian and Evan ended up in the play yard and I had Zoe tied to me as I continued to wander. Eventually I ended up back in the yard as well and handed off Zoe for Brian to have a turn with her. Everyone was getting ready to leave and I wanted to make sure that I got a couple of pictures of those rooms that had made me so emotional. I walked into the pink room and took a couple of snaps, just to remember.

But it was in the blue room that I met someone I really didn't expect.

I held up my camera and walked in, just wanting to remember how many beds were there. I took one picture and then realized that there was a caregiver standing and an older child sitting on the floor looking miserable. People here touch babies and children frequently, so I walked up to her and touched her head. Even through her braided hair I could feel that she had a high fever. I put my hands on her head and neck and confirmed it. I said to the caregiver that she had a fever and did she have any medicine. She said yes, but when she left she didn't return for a while. I stayed with the girl with my hands on her face and back while she shivered with chills. She was probably 12 or 13, or maybe older. When the caregiver did return she brought a tiny chair for me to sit in next to this girl. Then she left again. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even have a jacket on to give to her. As I looked at her I saw that she had sores on the inside of her mouth, bloodshot eyes (pink eye?), and
that the skin on her legs was scaly and peeling. I just didn't have anything to give her to help her. Brian and the Gladney folks and our backpack were all back by the car, and I didn't have any medicine there anyways. I looked down at my hands as I touched her face and saw my silver Tiffany ring. I didn't know what to do, so off it came. I took her hand and was able to get it onto her pinky finger (her hands were very large). After this she slowly started inching towards me, and eventually she laid her head on my knee and panted. I held her and cried into her hair and stroked her back while I waited. She had a rattling breath from the fever.

Eventually some other women came in and asked more questions about her. And then Travis walked in with a look of urgency on his face to tell me that everyone was leaving and that they were waiting for me. I explained to him what was going on. He talked to the caregivers a bit and then told me that he didn't understand why she wasn't in the car to head to the doctor that had left thirty minutes earlier. I think he saw my face and the girl clinging to me and he said, "Welcome to Ethiopia."

I kissed her on her burning forehead a few times with her face in my hands and walked out of the room.